That is the question I kept asking myself on repeat a few years ago…
In November 2022 I came to the South of France. I intended to stay for three months and I am still here. At the time I had been living in London for nearly 25 years. My children grew up there. In this article I am sharing with you how the idea of moving to another country came up, and also the thoughts of excitement and worry that were present in my decision.
The real reason for making a drastic change in my life was that I needed to save myself. Some years after my divorce my children had completed school, finished university and started working. I found myself moving to another home in the same neighbourhood. I had no intention of moving again. That was until a good friend of mine asked: “Why are you still here?”. Her question started a dialogue in my head about how I really wanted to live my life. Although happy with my new home, my daughter living close by and everything looking good on the outside, I could see I wasn’t progressing in life. I was living on my own in a country I had not grown up in. I had tried to make things happen but found that my life was on a stand still. I began to feel worried for my future.
A thought came to mind: I could move back to Oslo where I am from and where I hadn’t lived since my twenties.
The idea felt exciting. I told a few Scandinavian friends. They said they would have moved “home” too had they been in my situation. Suddenly I had no doubt it was exactly the change I needed. I started thinking about how to organise everything, such as selling my home, having all my belongings shipped to Oslo and finding a new place to live. I got even more excited when I came up with the idea of taking three months completely off. Once my home was sold I would put everything into storage, go spend a few months in my holiday flat in the South of France, do nothing else but care for my own wellbeing, and, when the time felt right, go online and buy an apartment in Oslo. It sounded so daring, so “un-allowed”, I mean, could I really take several months off just like a twenty-year old after their studies? And not be as serious as I had always been? The idea was thrilling. The feeling of having something so free and new in front of me reminded me of the feeling I had when I moved to France from Norway many, many years ago to pursue my studies. Once again, I had a brand new life in front of me.
Suffering is a strong word. The thing is, I was suffering inside before becoming serious about my move. I knew I was not living the life I wanted to live. Before my decision I frequently asked myself: “How much longer can I take this before I can’t take it any longer?”. It sounded desperate, and it was. I did not tell anyone. As I said, things looked good on the outside. Also, I felt bad for not being content with everything I already had. However, once I had made my plan for the next steps in my life I felt super excited.
My son had moved to another country for further studies. My ex-husband had moved to another country with his new wife. People said to me: “You are also moving to another country? What about your daughter?”. It was the hardest part. I wish I could live close to my children forever. Although I know I am whole and complete, I always feel “wholer” when I am with them. Every time I spend time with them I feel I have absolutely everything and there is nothing else I could possibly need. They are part of my heart and forever my favourite people in the world. But the last couple of years I was living in London I knew I had to save myself. I have never had the wish to live through my children. I love them, and I also needed to love my own life. So here I am.
By the way, I did buy a place in Oslo online. It looks better than my dream home! It took longer to finish than expected. While waiting for it I fell in love with the sea and light that I am currently surrounded by. My brand new Oslo apartment is now up for sale. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
Wishing you well – Annette X
